Two days ago, a good friend Liane and I were sharing via email on our circle of girlfriends. We have been friends since middle school days, that was a good 23 years back. That set me thinking about my recent virtual communication with many girlfriends via facebook, skype and emails as well as some I have lost touch on a regular basis.
The meaning of a friend
I hold very strong view about friendship – someone I trust strongly and would go miles for, the level of connections beyond words can sufficiently define (with my limited vocabulary), they who would protectively stand by me and support me during times of uncertainties, laugh with me and celebrate my successes and victories just as I would for them. With our individual priorities and pace of lives, the face-to-face contact becomes limited and a luxury. But for a few, we still make it a point to meet up for wee hours coffee, celebrate occasions such as birthdays, festivities, new job etc and maintain the constant touch.
Friends I hold dearly
There are also friends I will always hold dear in my heart, we grew up together ~ We spent a great period of 4 years training together as a team to fight for first place honors in Nursing, First Aid and Footdrill competitions with St John’s Ambulance Nursing Division during middle school and we called ourselves J.Mick; ~ We trained the distance and sprints in canoeing, running, circuits and medicine balls during high school, and held our pride as NJ Canoeing Girls; ~ They stood by me and gave me comfort and strength when I flunked my first year exam in high school and there could never be a better way to know true friends; ~ We lived under one roof during university years, shared the growing up pains in relationship, study and day-to-day learning; ~ She whom I met along the street of Adelaide and shared many New Year meals with at her home with her family in Osaka; ~ The handful of ex-colleagues (okay, maybe more than a handful!) who became close friends and we talked beyond marketing planning and business strategies and shared our highs and lows through the years; ~ They who were ever ready to celebrate my successes in life and helped turn each challenging occasion to an uplifting moment. For many of these friends, we shared a close association that only memories can match and only we can connect to.
On Standby
We lead different path and at different stages of life – some are pursuing their career with gusto, some are stay home mums, some are happily leading what they called “a normal life”, some prefer to live in denial, some prefer to remain a mystery, some would just appear when you need a clue to what is going on.
I want the best for my friends but I have since learnt to be On Standby, even if I feel like a filler (as my close friend called it) in their busy lives.
I learnt – To be there for them only when they need me to, To feign ignorance if they don’t want me to know a part of them, To listen to their heart than to push my point which is limited to my own experience, To not judge their lives and pray in faith that as long as no harm come to them, To let go of my emotions when I feel let down.
Over the years, I had disappointment with a few whom I called friends, and I have since moved on. It is apparent we hold different values in our level of friendship and communication, I learnt not to impose on them my level of expectations, at the same time, I also allow the friendship to fade away. I would still want them to live well and have successes, but the connection has become superficial.
“I have been busy…”
Before we realise time passed quickly. Often, we hear ”I have been busy…” as a grand excuse to explain ourselves and start our conversation. There is really no need to. Friendship is mutual, it take at least 2 persons to be connected. Recently, I wrote this to a good friend – “Oh please don’t wait till i am back to keep in touch, keep in touch ok! Or after some time, this friendship becomes too virtual to be real and it is difficult to keep up.” I mean it, I have known this friend for 13 years now since the day I joined my first company, we were from the same team and we shared a lot then, for the last 4 years we have not been able to keep up with each other, in her words “…seems that every time that I’m here you’re elsewhere. Or perhaps it’s the other way around.”
And recounting the number of close friendship I made in my last 29 years (I do not recall any friendship before elementary school!), I found it hard to define some friendship now. We were really close at some stage in our life and somehow along the way, we lost each other - appropriately termed ”lost in transit” as we move on and live our own lives. Thanks to facebook, for some, we found each other again and continued our close association and trust even though we did not meet up as much. For the others, we are still waiting for the other person to make the first move.
For my girlfriends who read this, thank you for being in the loop!
***
Aptly as we were on the topic of Girlfriends, I received an email from a close friend I have known since elementary school in 1979. It reads as follow:
Stacy Koh <kohstacy@yahoo.com.sg>
Fri, Aug 15, 2008 at 1:09 AM
Fw: GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE
GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE
When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you’re going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you’re going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, ‘Let’s cry together,’
Another, ‘Let’s fight together,’
Another, ‘Let’s walk away together.’
One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.
But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself,
Those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it’s wrapped up in several..
One from 7th grade,
One from high school,
Several from the college years,
a couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbour,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters.
So whether they’ve been your friend for 20 minutes or 20 years,
AND ONLY IF YOU’D LIKE TO, Pass this on to the women that God has placed in your life
To make a difference.
Thanks for being in my circle.
***
ps: Thanks Stacy, for sharing the message just as I was thinking about it. It must be God-sent!
